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Post by aaron weston @&$# on Jul 1, 2009 11:07:39 GMT -5
pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good.
GIVE MY REGARDS TO SOLE ENROLLMENT[/color][/font] they always did the best they could, they taught me everything i know.[/size] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -aaron had definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed today, and not just literally. don't you just hate it when things begin going wrong before they even start? aaron had woken up from some sort of malicious night mare that had left him shaking and sweating. the exact nature of the dream escaped him, but he was still left with that horrid, empty, abused feeling. that feeling actually reigned over the rest of his day, staying with him while he shuffled around finding an outfit, while he found his way to starbucks for a coffee. if he didn't know better, he could have sworn that he was being watched. it haunted him the entire duration of his shift at razzles, while he handed out drinks 'on the house' and smirked promiscuously at strangers. the flirting came natural to him, and it was so much easier when the subject was drunk as a skunk and swaying in her chair to the tune of intoxication. half of the girls he complimented weren't even his taste, but it didn't even matter to him anymore. aaron had, after plenty of struggling, finally come to the conclusion that love was just not his thing. even when he found a girl he liked, things just didn't work out. and no, it wasn't because he cheated! he's a prostitute and a whore, but not when it comes around to giving his heart away. his heart, that was one thing that he kept locked up tight, so tight that some people didn't even think he had one. so when he smirked and slipped slips of paper inbetween clothing and accepted cold cash, he didn't even feel anything to it. he might have, when he was fourteen. but these days, hah. these days he just couldn't feel much, outside this empty, abused feeling that was prefacing every thing he did. what's more, it had been one hell of a long day. events seemed to drag on forever and ever, and checking the golden watch on his hand sure didn't help the time ease by any easiler. in the back of his head, he just wanted this goddamn day to end. to him, life was beginning to become mundane. he was starting to feel purposeless, alone, and unwanted, even. yeah, sure, he was paid to be with people, and yeah, all the high school kids drooled over him while they leaned, the twins falling out of their shirt, across razzle's bar counter to smile a little too wide and to laugh a little too loud in an attempt to get his attention. hah, yes, he was invited to every party, he knew almost every secret, and he could rain down hell on the world if he ever felt like it. but honestly, he wasn't too proud of himself. a few years ago, he would have been thrilled to be in this position, because it was his dream. growing older made one realize what they did wrong. growing older made him realize that he should have shot for something better than this, something that mattered. he had never cared in high school and had crawled his way through to graduation with steady D's and C's. no sir, his mother was not proud. he was, at the time, but hey. he learned nothing from the free education. that was his issue, actually. people use you for what you know. if you're a doctor, they pay you for what you know about the human body. if you're a teacher, they pay you to tell them what you know. but if you don't know anything, then that's when you have nothing else to sell but yourself. what's worse is that not only was aaron selling himself out, but he was selling to high schoolers, college kids, teachers, friends and enemies alike. no, his mother wasn't proud. and no, he wasn't either. he had no appointments today, and he hadn't taken up any offers. that was good, considering how he didn't feel up to feigning fun and playfulness and whatever the hell else it was that he was supposed to do. honestly, he was sick of this life. as he checked out of his bartending shift at ten, he even considered ending it. suicide was a common thought, despite popular belief. most who knew aaron would never expect that he was discontented-- he kept a good poker face. one of the things he hated most was when someone simply assumed that he loved his life, because he was able to sleep with almost anyone he wanted and was able to make money off of it. those kids were so, oh so ignorant. aaron just wanted to break it down to them and tell them how it wasn't like that, how it was a lonlier thing than they could ever imagine.. but he couldn't do something like that. he couldn't bring himself to admit aloud to anyone that truth, because it hurt far too much. but there were some, some who understood the toll it took on the guy. aaron appreciated those people, but even they wouldn't be able to protect him from himself. walking out of the back door of the building and into the dark night, aaron paused for a second to look left and right, tired eyes peering into the darkness of the alley. he tugged his purple hoodie tighter around him, wondering how come october had to be so fucking cold. couldn't the summer last, just a little longer? as he started toward his car, a brutal vibration erupted in his back pocket. with a dreadful moan, aaron dragged his hand over his ass until he encountered his cellular, then he yanked it out of his skinny black jeans and palmed it open. his grimace softened ever so slightly as he realized who it was that messaged him-- jayden. jayden was a good kid. aaron had a little soft spot for him, and not because he liked him, but rather because he sympathized with jayden. the kid was a senior, in love with his best friend, and every time his best friend turned him down jayden came running to aaron. it was sad, but in a way, it was extremely romantic and aaron sometimes wished that he could have someone who would put themselves through as much shit as this jayden kid did just because they cared. yeah, aaron was a little twisted, but who wouldn't be? after reading the text, he bit his lip. jayden wanted to meet in the library parking lot. aaron raised his eyes to blankly stare at a nearby dumpster. poor kid. that raegan probably broke his heart, again, and now jay was searching for something to take away that pain. but goddamn it, wasn't aaron supposed to be paid for this sort of thing? it was slowly becoming more of a habit than a business, for him. ah well, jayden needed him. maybe one day he'd say no, but not today. before he knew it, aaron found himself pulling into the library's parking lot and parking not too far from one of the many tall lamps that towered over the pavement, shedding a crude light that brought odd shadows to the scene. honestly, the entire set up would have been outright creepy if it wasn't second nature for aaron. he sighed, looking at his watch again. eleven oh nine. he doubted that tonight would be a late night.. unless jayden needed comforting. aaron smiled to himself, amused that he, feeling so lonely, wasn't all that keen on making a move out of genuine friendship. not to someone who paid him once, anyway. he sat in silence for a few more moments, thinking to himself, until he heard the latch on the passenger's side of the car shift and click into a new position, and the familiar shuffling of a body into the seat. aaron turned his head, just a tad, so he could look at the kid. a quiet, knowing look crossed aaron's eyes as he shifted his body a quarter turn towards jaydar. "hey. are you.. " he was about to ask if jayden was alright, but. probably not. and it wasn't his place to ask questions, anyway. ... although he wasn't being paid, so honestly he didn't know what he was here for. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -credit SPARKS OF CAUTION ! banner me, myself, and i. it was a collaborative effort. lyrics human, by the killers, awejesus. tag jaydennnnn, who else?! words one thousand three hundred eighty eight?! notes this template matched this picture exactly, how brill is that? i kind of like this post. ik it's just me trying to sound smart, but. i think it's not half bad xD [/font][/center] |
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Post by jayden knight ?! on Jul 1, 2009 14:58:18 GMT -5
BELIEVE THAT LIFE CAN CHANGE, THAT YOU'RE NOT STUCK IN VAINwe're not the same, we're different tonight- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
jayden usually liked fridays. this was mostly because of the fact that friday's were the last day he had to go to school, until monday, and because he actually didn't have bad lessons on friday; music, art, english, french [ which he had bunked, because, ugh, french.] and then maths. but hey, the first three lessons had been good, so he'd been in a fairly good mood. he was alright, most of the time, he guessed. it wasn't as easy as it had used to be, you know, when he was pissed off or depressed, or just generally in need of getting away from reality. he found himself wishing more than ever, just for a couple of minutes, that he had refused straight down to go to rehab. sure it was for reagen, and he'd do anything for reagen, but it was just so goddman hard, if you knew what he meant, and not many people did, because not many people jayden knew were actually going through this and it wasn't as if he broadcasted his situation to the whole world. he was pretty sure only his parents, reagen and possibly aaron knew but hey he wasn't sure how much he had actually told aaron. he wasn't sure what it was, but, aaron knew more about him that he'd ever feel comfortable about letting someone know. aaron even knew things reagen didn't know about him, and that was the most awkward of things - trusting this guy that he didn't know half as well with reagen with his biggest secrets, things he even denied to himself.
it was really confusing, and if jayden was completely honest with himself, he didn't understand half of it. he didn't want to understand any of it, he'd like to be completely naive to all this crap, but he wasn't, and maybe that was why eh was craving his beloved cocaine more than ever now. because it left him blissfully ignorant to everything, even the fact that the frigging sky was blue. maybe it was better that way, well, for him at least, but then again, maybe not. he wasn't making any sense and it was kind of annoying, because he didn't like to confuse himself because he was already confused and.. ugh. he wasn't sure why he trusted aaron, or why he couldn't trust reagen with this.. well, he could. he knew he could, but the many times he tried to tell her she seemed to think he was joking, and he wasn't sure why. he was pretty sure it spiralled back to their sophomore year, when he'd finally gotten back form alaska, but he couldn't be completely sure because big patches of that year had just vanished completely - maybe they'd never been there, maybe he just hadn't been sober enough to remember them, whatever the case they weren't there and they never would be and it was rather disconcerting to realize half a year of his life had just vanished.
this was another one of those times. he really wished he'd known exactly what he'd done back when he was fifteen. all he really could remember would that... no, okay, he really didn't have the energy right now to rack his brains and search for some small, significant memory that could solve the mystery of why reagen always got awkward with him when he told her he loved her. even when he was just saying it casually as well, which was more annoying than ever. not that he'd tell her any of this, though he would wonder what she'd say. the only thing was, he didn't like getting into arguments with her, they'd usually blown over quickly but .. he wasn't quite so sure,. after he'd come back. they'd definitely gone back to being best friends, but there was just this tiny awkward rift in the way of them getting as cuddly and oh my god i love you as they'd used to be. granted, that was back when they'd been thirteen. granted, that had been four years ago and a lot had changed then, far too much in fact. all he knew right now was that there was this weird ache where his heart usually was and he really wanted it to stop because it hurt, not ridiculously painful but just like a small stab in the chest, and yeah he wanted it to stop.
the dorm was empty, deserted but h still found himself glancing around uncertainly before pulling his sidekick out of his skinny jeans and flipping it open, fingers quickly tapping out a short message to aaron. he was kind of ocd about text messages with the fact that he couldn't use text speech, no matter how much more it cost him. he wasn't sure why, he jut had to type out in full sentences, and it often cost him a lot of credit. but oh well, that was really at the bottom of his list of priorities at the moment; there was a part of him that wanted to just go to reagen, because even if she never believed that he really did love her, she always made him feel better, and well, she was reagen. but the other half of him [ for he always seemed to be split into two over what he was doing, maybe he was secretly schizophrenic?] knew that that would be a silly option, and anyway aaron always managed to fill the hole inside him, temporarily at least.
it was really cold outside. even though he was pretty well dressed in a pair of black straight legs and his blink 182 hoodie [which was far too big for him, it had never actually fit him, but it was the smallest size they could get, so, he'd rather have it too big, than nothing at all, right?] but it was still freezing. surely it was only october? and jayden liked october, it was his favourite month, even before may [when his birthday was] for it had halloween, but really. it was so cold! he hunched up slightly, he hated the cold, it always seemed to be cold in ohio and it wasn't fair. it kind of depressed him just a little bit more, it was a stupid thing to feel miserable over but that always happened - when he was upset, the littlest of things made him more sad. it didn't take him long to reach the library parking lot. why did the library have a parking lot? why did bristol high have a library? nobody knew.
by the time he'd reached the parking lot, arms wrapped around himself, maybe to warm himself up or maybe to stop him from falling apart quite so quickly, he wasn't sure, the car was already there. he knew it was aaron's car for this certainly wasn't the first time he'd been in his car, so he didn't hesitate before trudging over and opening the car, sliding in and slamming it behind him, staring at his shoes. he didn't look at aaron, not yet, because he still wasn't sure what mood aaron was in, and he really couldn't be fucked to deal with aaron if he was in one of is omfg-i'm-better-than-everything-yo moods. maybe that was mean, he didn't have those moods half as much lately, and he felt even worse when aaron started to ask if he was okay, before stopping. he didn't answer for a few minutes, the silence wasn't comfortable but it wasn't awkward either. it was just.. just there. finally though, he glanced up at aaron, biting his lip before saying finally "'i. i fucking hate this, you know?'
[/color]he stretched his legs out, he wasn't very big so he actually had room to do that "'i just... you know what, never mind, i just. i'm sorry, for, you know, whatever, for dragging you out here. i just. fuck it all to hell.'
[/blockquote][/blockquote] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - with: jonsy//aaron <3
where: library parking lot?
wearing: blink 182 hoodie and straight legs?!
words: 1315.
banner credit: me?!
template credit: EMMARR from caution 2.0.
notes: omfg it sucks, im sorry! xD [/size][/font] |
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Post by aaron weston @&$# on Jul 2, 2009 8:40:07 GMT -5
pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good.
GIVE MY REGARDS TO SOLE ENROLLMENT[/color][/font] they always did the best they could, they taught me everything i know.[/size] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -bristol high was surprisingly large for being in such a small town. perhaps it was because it was the only high school around? either way, it seemed like most of the parents poured plenty of money into the program, giving it the ability to do things like build a fairly large extension of the building for a library, and pave some more of the grounds with black parking lots to give students and teachers alike a new access point to the books and free wifi inside. from his years attending bristol, he recalled several places outside where if you sat casually and looked busy, you could mooch off their internet without having to be inside the library. this information was particularly helpful during off hours when school wasn't going on... aaron stared at the distant red brick of the nearest wall, which was all the way across the parking lot. he was annoyed with himself, annoyed with the fact that he was still connected to these teenage years. one would have expected him to be somewhere by now, say, las vegas, or new york. and if he hadn't moved away, one would think that he would have at least severed these ties with the acne-ridden young faces, that he would have a proper job... but then again, who was he kidding. no one expected him to do anything outstanding, no one thought he was capable. his concentration faded as felt his heart sink in the slightest. no one thought he was capable. he was grateful to have his thoughts shattered by the click of the passenger's door being opened. he didn't want to think about this disappointing shit, and one of the many things he had come to realize was that as long as he was preoccupied with something, he didn't have to acknowledge the fact that he considered himself to be pathetic. as long as he was busy, he didn't have to face himself. so he buried himself in work, making himself available to more people and spending more hours at the club. but he was only digging himself a deeper hole, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to get out now, now that he was fooling around with kids like jayden in his off hours, whether or not he was getting paid. it was becoming more of a free thing, and aaron didn't like it. but he couldn't do much about it now, with jayden in the car and all. ... well he could do plenty, he could throw a fit or demand money or just tell jayden to get the fuck out and leave him alone in the parking lot while driving away. but no, aaron wouldn't do any of the above. jayden needed him, anyway. that much he knew. turning toward the senior, aaron swallowed his self pity and forced himself to consider jayden. he really did feel something for this boy-- and no, not that type of feel. aaron sympathized with jayden's situation, after all, who wouldn't? the kid was constantly crushed by his love, for gods sake. aaron almost thought that there was something more than that, another reason why jayden was always coming around for more. if he paid attention he probably could figure it out, but he wasn't all that concerned with jayden's life right now. he knew more than he wanted to about the boy, anyway. he knew more than he wanted to about most everyone. it wasn't odd in the least to aaron that jayden didn't look him straight in the eyes. half of the kids did, and half of the kids didn't. it really depended on how they felt and how confident they were, and jayden didn't seem to be strong in any of those categories, not now at least. aaron couldn't blame him, but yeah, sometimes he got annoyed. actually, he got annoyed often. all you had to do was rub him the wrong way, and he'd be iffy for the rest of your time with him. sometimes it surprised aaron that he had any friends at all-- he could be such a bitch at times that he wasn't really sure how anyone could deal with him. as he looked at jayden, who was looking at his own kicks, he blankly wondered exactly what this kid wanted from him. it wasn't even as though aaron was on the clock, so it wasn't even restricted t just sex now. did jayden expect friendship? whatever. aaron needed to get him started somehow, so he ventured a greeting, then a question.. which trailed off into nothing halfway through. not fully expecting a verbal response, he wasn't very shocked when he didn't get one. he waited, seemingly patiently, for the senior to gather his thoughts or pull himself together or whatever the hell he needed to do. when jayden finally did raise his eyes, they locked stares. jayden bit his lip, and aaron couldn't help but to glance at his mouth, but his eyes shifted for hardly a second. it wasn't that much of a distraction. the kid went on to say that he fucking hated this, and well, aaron couldn't agree more. he kept his mouth shut though, holding his tongue until it was the 'right' time for him to talk. and then jayden apologized. aaron didn't completely understand why, but he did feel a slight shift-- suddenly he wasn't so annoyed. he tilted his head a little to the side as his lips parted, then closed again. what was he supposed to say? ' yeah, i'll fuck you to all the way hell and then back for sure.'? no, that wouldn't be smart. "don't.. be like that." placing his hand behind the passenger seat's head rest, he drew himself a little closer to jayden, shaking his head once in silent disagreement. "no, don't be like that," he repeated in a raspy murmur. it was funny how aaron would have himself convinced that he didn't want something until the last second... the last second being now, that is. who knows, perhaps sincerity was a real turn on for aaron? his gaze dropped to jayden's mouth, and he had to remind himself that his god damn mustang had a stick shift. huh. he didn't mind so much, at the moment, and when they got around to finding that it was in the way they could just take it back to the back. no big deal. it was nothing they couldn't handle. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -credit SPARKS OF CAUTION ! banner me, myself, and i. it was a collaborative effort. lyrics humann by the killerss, awedicklessjesus. tag jaydennnnn, who else?! words one thousand seventy nine. notes .. sorry about putting jaydar, earlier? idk where that came from xD and lmfao@library parkinglots. i didn't even think about it when i wrote it. [/font][/center] |
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Post by jayden knight ?! on Jul 24, 2009 13:26:10 GMT -5
BELIEVE THAT LIFE CAN CHANGE, THAT YOU'RE NOT STUCK IN VAINwe're not the same, we're different tonight- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
jayden didn't like awkward silences. apart from the fact that, yeah, they were pretty much awkward, he didn't like silences of any sort. he liked them to be filled with talking, with happy chatter and laughs and generally things that didn't consist of uncomfortable pauses and hushed voices. he wasn't sure why people tended to speak quieter in depressing conversations. whether they half hoped he couldn't hear them, he wasn't sure, but it was exactly the same in every awkward situation he'd been in. granted he hadn't been in that many uncomfortable situations before, so he wouldn't really know, but he liked to think he did. this happened in a lot of things, where he liked to pretend he knew more about the topic he was on than he really did, and ended up making a total fool of himself. not that that wasn't new though. he often made a huge fool of himself. it just happened a lot. kind of like he couldn't not make a fool out of himself. he didn't mind though, half the time, unless it was around somebody that mattered to him. as in, their opinion. he wasn't easily embarrassed, you got used to it after falling over and being pretty accident prone all the time, you got used to all the laughs and learnt to laugh along with them rather than blush and look angry and ashamed. however, there were some times that he did make a big fool out of himself, but never even thought to tell himself that it'd be better to just pretend as if it meant nothing to him and to walk along and forget about it. this was one of those times. he was used to embarrassing himself in front of reagen, they'd known each other long enough to not be embarrassed anymore. but this? this was totally different. it had taken so long to actually, finally, realize that the feelings he had to her were beyond that of a normal best friend, and what did she do? throw it right back in his fucking face.
he didn't usually get pissed off, or bitchy. it wasn't like him, he was a pretty laidback guy compared to some people. but as he' stated earlier, this was completely different. it was worse than being naked in front of reagen ( which he'd never been, as far as he could remember, but ), it was as if you were making yourself more vulnerable than.. well, exploiting yourself, haha, by telling her that, yes, yes he loved her, and he loved her a lot, and that it'd break his heart if he did what she always did and gave him that scornful, enquiring look and told him to stop mucking around. it happened time and time and time again, and yet.. she never seemed to get it. he wasn't sure what he'd done wrong. it must've been something, something so bad that now, when he told reagen that he loved her more than anything else in the world, she wouldn't believe him. and he kind of hated her, hated him, hated his whole fucking life, because he knew somewhere along the line he had ruined any chances of them being together. he wasn't sure how, he wasn't sure what he'd done to now to make up for it, or what he should do, or what he should apologize for, but he' done something, and it looked like that something was so bad he was paying up for it now by fucking up his whole life. maybe he was being overdramatic. maybe he was, but he was so sure he wasn't. that this was really the only chance he'd ever get at being with reagen, and it wasn't going to happen. it was kind of heart breaking really. maybe he should just stop. shouldn't bother anymore. only he wasn't sure how he'd be able to face reagen everyday, knowing he loved her and that there was nothing at all he could ever do about it. it was enough to make him want to do something, something like just let go and forget about rehab and forget about his promises to his parents and o reagen, and just fall back into being a junkie, or whatever. because really, it wouldn't be all that bad. he could do it, it wouldn't affect anyone, reagen would never have found out if he hadn't been so open with her. maybe it could work.
he knew he was being a bit silly about that last bit, but he did like to entertain the thought, and it was sliding once more back into his brain as he sat down in aaron's car, and stared at his shoes. he didn't hate this, no, he didn't the aaron and he didn't hate all that followed after this, but he hated that this would never have happened if reagen would only believe him. he wasn't sure what it was that drove him to aaron, and not anybody else. the thought of comfort and somebody who actually like him and sex and the thought of being away from reagen and that awkward silence that he'd left behind in their dorm. she was probably off getting her freak on again with her ex boyfriend, jasper, blake, whatever the heck his name was, he decide bitterly. apparently he was ryder and aaron's new roommate or something, but all he knew about the kid was that he'd dated reagen last year, and reagen liked him, and reagen was able to tell him she loved him without an awkward silence descending upon them. oh, and that the kid was probably about half a foot taller than jayden. it was enough to make you wish that for once you were over six fucking feet as well. enough to intimidate that guy. but no, he wasn't all that good at intimidating people. he just wasn't all that intimidating looking. he gathered it was because he wore makeup and girl's jeans and was about five foot six, but he could b wrong. well, whatever it was, he wasn't badass enough to do anything about this guy that reagen had dated, and he guessed he should just stop thinking about him. it was for his own good, really. it wasn't as if he was about to go and knife the guy during the night.
he was broken out of his pretty pathetic thoughts as aaron spoke again. jayden didn't like to think it, but he was pretty sure that maybe aaron would prefer to be somewhere else right now. he probably had a life, unlike jayden. he probably has somewhere better to go, better things to do, better people to do than jayden, actually. it wasn't a nice thought, but yanno, it could be possible. jayden knew aaron, well, he probably didn't know him all that well, but seeing as aaron's whole 'job' revolved around having sex, this probably meant nothing to him either. he kind of wondered for a second whether aaron was still expecting some sort of rising pay check jayden owed to him. he'd be screwed if he did, because, well, he was pretty broke. both him and reagen were, haha, they barely had enough to buy food for them to live of for chrisyt's sake. most of the time he liked that though, well not exactly liked but he didn't mind it, and it was a challenge. maybe that was crazy though, he was pretty sure he was at least bordering on insanity at least. it wasn't that bad. as aaron repeated what he'd said, inching closing to jayden, jayden suddenly wondered, just for a split second, why he was doing this, before realizing that yeah, he did it because he really fucking wanted it, needed it, whaetver other kind of half lame half sad excuse you could come up with. it was true. he was a pathetic excuse for a human being, but he could deal with that. sometimes. in about the space of five seconds, his mind rapidly went through all the things he could possibly do. they'd done this so many times now, but still. he licked his lips slightly, he inched closer still, until he was half on his own seat, half... not, tilting his head to the side slightly 'why?'
[/color] he asked finally, about only a couple of inches away from the older guy. 'go on. give me one good reason why i shouldn't,'[/color] he dared quietly, and before he could even give aaron a chance to answer him he licked his lips again and closed the distance between him and aaron, his lips cementing themselves against the older boy. [/blockquote][/blockquote] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - with: jonsy//aaron <3
where: library parking lot?
wearing: blink 182 hoodie and straight legs?!
words: 1444.
banner credit: me?!
template credit: EMMARR from caution 2.0.
notes: angst angst angst angst ooh boy kissing! [/size][/font] |
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